What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 00:44
So, i spoilt her more .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I don,t even have a pension.
He knew the spot.
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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She married twice! .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Why do I sweat between my legs all the time, top off my legs, all way down?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
What did i know ?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
What is so great about Jiraiya?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He resisted the act ,that day.
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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But it wasn’t much.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
What were your fantasies when you reached puberty?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Comes on , in middle age.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was 9 years of age.
All the time i was locked up.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was very sick at this time too.
I will be 64.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
This is soul school!.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
When she asked me how she looked .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I have no regrets .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Would this be the day?
I never cut or harmed myself..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We all went to grammer schools
My family never makes their pension either.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I think the readers, may guess!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was seconnd youngest,
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Put me off passion for life!!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My life is so biszare .
She was in good health!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She loved him until the end.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We were not on the streets..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
So whats the point in blame.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One cannot live in the past .
I waited trembling.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
It was going to be , some day.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I write beautiful poetry .
But, we were locked up after school.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Ive learnt so much.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Especially a lifetime of it.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I said to her
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I could never make a relationship work though!
She wouldn,t have been !
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She found it foreign!.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
As i do to all so called friends.?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And i lived it daily.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was scared of men, in general
Who then, do I blame.?
But ive been too sick for many years..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Im still living with it.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.